DB: It’s not so important that you know why it is important, but the fact that you have learned and said out loud that it’s important is, I think, what matters. Because now you know what you need to do. Which is…?

 

DM: Come out to Grandma and Grandpa.

 

DB: Does that scare you to think about?

 

DM: Not so much with Grandma.

 

DB: What do you think that Grandpa might do?

 

DM: Nothing. I don’t think he’d do a single damn thing.

 

DB: So why does it scare you?

 

DM: I don’t know, because we’re living in their house? You have all the furniture, but we don’t have a house that we could retreat to.

 

DB: Why would we need to retreat?

 

DM: If they boot us out.

 

DB: Do you think that’s a legitimate possibility?

 

DM: No, I don’t think they would. I don’t know.

 

DB: I love you, and your mom loves you, and I bet if you give Grandma and Grandpa a chance, you will be surprised. I often feel like it’s too late for me. You don’t have the same issue. You clearly want them to love and support you, so you need to tell them. Not only will it be good for you, you will be doing them a big favor as well. We often have an ageist notion that people can’t change, but it’s just not true. People’s hearts can change. Their ideas and minds can change. Their personalities and tastes, probably not much. But you will have a large positive influence on everyone you come in contact with because, even though you probably don’t feel it, I see that you have a strong sense of who you are, and I am inspired by that. Do you feel safe out in the world?

 

DM: Yeah. I’m more than happy to express my queerness to my school.

 

DB: What does 16 look like for you?

 

DM: I make more friends at school. I successfully get through school with great grades, further raising my GPA. I learn how to drive. I get out more and experience more than I have because of COVID and I have a great life.*

 

DB: Uh oh, here they come again. 

 

DM: Sorry.

 

DB: No, it’s okay. Clearly this stuff has been bottled up and wanting to get out. What does 20 look like?

 

DM: I’ll be in college, learning video game design, and with lots of friends that are queer like me.

 

DB: What about 30?

 

DM: I will have a fairly successful job upon which I can live and save up. I will be making indie games in my free time. Maybe I will be living with someone who I love.*

 

(Long pause)

 

DM: I hope I’m in a relationship.

 

DB: What are you feeling?

 

DM: I don’t know why I’m crying.

 

DB: You were just due, I think. What do you expect your romantic relationships to be like?

 

DM: I want to be with someone who shares similar interests with me but isn’t me exactly. I want to be a breadwinner, but not the breadwinner. It’s probably monogamous. Children at some point, maybe not immediately.

 

DB: Yeah, you are definitely not having children before age 35. I have decreed it! For most of your life you were adamant that you did not want children. What changed?

 

DM: I don’t want me to be the end, I guess, of this family branch.*

 

(Long pause)

 

DB: It’s funny you mention a branch. I’ve been thinking about Fire Shut Up in My Bones, the opera we saw today at the Met based on Charles M. Blow’s memoir about growing up poor in Louisiana and surviving the trauma of sexual abuse. One of the lyrical motifs was, ‘We sway, we sway, our roots run deep. We bend but don’t break’. To do that, you have to have deep roots. In the opera, they talk about gaining strength from enduring slavery, but the roots are also geographical; he lived in the same place for his whole childhood. Part of why we moved out here was to show you that there was a bigger world beyond the Salt Lake Valley but sometimes I wonder if we’ve done you a disservice by removing you from your roots.

 

DM: I’ve always missed Salt Lake. Even though I’ve made so many more friends here than I did there, it still is my home.* I don’t think you did me a disservice, necessarily. I still miss it, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.

 

DB: Do you think you have the strength to sway? Can you accept whatever life throws at you without breaking?

 

DM: Clearly not.

 

DB: Don’t equate crying and emotion with breaking. Strong men cry.

 

DM: I don’t know if I can sway. The hardest thing in my life has been COVID.

 

DB: That’s pretty damn hard.

 

DM: I’ve come out of it mostly fine.* I feel depressed often but never really did before.

 

DB: What effect did our divorce have on that?

 

DM: Well, it certainly didn’t help! It was the destruction of the family dynamic I had known and been a part of for 14 years. 

 

DB: Do you wish Mom and I had stayed together?

 

DM: Sometimes, but I know that’s selfish and then I feel bad for thinking that.

 

DB: You shouldn’t feel bad. It’s not selfish for a child to wish their parents remained together, partly because it ain’t gonna happen, so there’s no chance of your thoughts producing that outcome. So please go easy on yourself. It would be weird if you didn’t feel bad. How has having queer friends changed the calculus of your life?

 

DM: It kickstarted my own queer soul-searching. I had started it, of course, during COVID and when you came out to me. I think now I search out queer friends to solidify the fact that I myself am queer, because sometimes I have doubts and don’t feel like I’m queer. I feel like I’m pretending, to be interesting. And that disturbs me.*

 

DB: Why?

 

DM: I don’t know.

 

DB: An alternative view of that path would be that you are exploring and trying on different identities until you find the one that fits best. Is that not what you’re doing?

 

DM: Yeah.

 

DB: So then why this rush, this need to put a definitive rubber stamp on it when you’re only 16?

 

DM: I have no idea.

 

DB: Well, guess.

 

DM: To be interesting and different, maybe.

 

DB: Well, it will be tough to accept you if you come out as straight, but I promise I will do my best to love you and remember that you are my son. But if you come out as Republican, that’s it. You’re dead to me.

 

DM: I am definitely not a Republican; I can guarantee that.

 

DB: There you go, that’s something you can say definitively. That feels good, right? Well, I don’t want to torture you anymore. But I think you need to be a lot more patient with yourself. You will land where you need to land because you’ve got love, you’ve got support. Don’t try to force it or worry about what’s underneath. You’re just going through the process of becoming an adult and figuring out who and what you are. And that’s okay. It can be terrifying sometimes, but it can also be extremely liberating. And it can be fun! You should start having sex! Maybe not right away, but if that’s something that interests you, get out there and start making that happen. Sex has a way of bringing the abstract into cold, clear, brutal focus, so I encourage you to start fucking as soon as possible.

 

DM: O…kay.